It’s Canada Day

On Canada Day, we have parades, gatherings, fireworks, and endless self-congratulatory speeches by politicians of all stripes and importance. All covered on television (and now the internet) so we can watch it all comfortably from our couches.

After all, we’re Canadians; we’re not that demonstrative. When we do go out and let people know what we’re thinking (it’s called free speech), the powers that be get alarmed and panic.

Canada Day has never inspired the over-the-top celebrations of our national birthday that those south of our border indulge in. (Whew!) But that doesn’t mean we’re not glad to be Canadians.

Everyday, ordinary Canadians (if there is such a creature) demonstrate true tolerance, respect, and community. These days, people aren’t always like that. Pity.

Canada is a beautiful country, filled with wonderfully ordinary Canadians. And that’s worth celebrating.

Happy Canada Day!

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You Are Not a Robot

You are not a robot. You are a human being.

You are amazing. You can do amazing things. You can achieve great things. Because you are human.

You are unique. You’re not a duplicate of anyone else. You respond to what happens to you and around you in your own unique way. And usually not in exactly the same way every time. Thank goodness!

It would be a soul-destroying world if all of us thought exactly the same and behaved in the same way.

It’s soul-crushing when others expect you to think and act as they do. When they don’t allow you to have your own ideas, your own opinions, your own beliefs.

Censorship and speech control are soul-crushing, and I strenuously object to them. Because they de-humanize us.

I strenuously object when anyone or any group tries to censor you or to control what you say and when you can say it.

Because you are not a robot.

— — — — — —

Note: This image of Ameca, a humanoid robot developed by Engineered Arts Ltd., was found at https://commons/wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Ameca_Generation_1.jpg on February 5, 2023 and is used under their Creative Commons CC BY-SA 4.0 license.


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I Am Not a Robot

This is Ameca. It’s definitely not me.

I am not a robot. I am a human being.

We human beings — people — are amazing.

Each of us is unique. No two of us are the same. We may be similar, but we’re not exactly the same. Each of us has our own unique blend of talents, abilities and yes, foibles.

We are remarkable. We can do amazing things. We can achieve great things.

Our lives are unique. We don’t all live in the same place, in the same type of accommodation. Each of us responds to what happens to us and around us in our own unique ways. And usually not in exactly the same way every time.

As I said, I am not a robot.

Robots are programmed to do specific things in specific ways at specific times. We control what robots do by what we program them to do.

Robots with AI capabilities are programmed how to think — or at least that’s what the programmers think.

Any attempt, any measure taken to control what I think — or worse, to control how I think — de-humanizes me. It has the goal of making me less-than-me. And I strenuously object.

Because I am not a robot.

———

Note: This image of Ameca, a humanoid robot developed by Engineered Arts Ltd., was found at https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Ameca_Generation_1.jpg on February 5, 2023 and is used under their Creative Commons CC BY-SA 4.0 license.

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Happy Canada Day!

July 1st. A great day in history — not just for us Canadians, but for everyone.

Because Canada is a nation that was born through peaceful means, not war. In contrast to our neighbours to the south, Canada did not gain its freedom and independence through violence and war. We gained our freedom by the long and undoubtedly frustrating method of negotiation.

That leaves an indelible mark on the character of the country and its citizens. It’s not unreasonable to say that’s one of the reasons Canada has been held in high esteem internationally.1

Which is not to say aggressive tactics haven’t been used by some Canadians. I’m thinking of the times armed force was used against our indigenous peoples, when unthinkable aggression was used against children in the residential schools, and against “enemy aliens” who were really Canadian citizens during both World Wars I and II. But that’s not what our founders wanted. They wanted peace, and you don’t get real peace by using force. Just ask any victim of a bully how they feel. I can assure you they won’t answer, “Peaceful,” or “Calm,” or “Happy.”

Canada was founded on the principles of Peace, Order, and Good Government. That’s been in our Constitution since the beginning. While we need to keep all three at the forefront of all political and civic actions, it’s Peace that needs to be front and centre.

Peace not only in the sense of no fighting — civil war or otherwise — but more importantly in the sense of conditions conducive to having a healthy, creative, productive, wealth-producing society. You simply can’t have that if people are fighting or if the government uses coercive actions against its own citizens.

The key to having a peaceful society is discussion and negotiation, especially when there’s a problem or a challenge. Discussion and negotiation require freedom of thought, belief, opinion and expression. You can’t really discuss anything if you can’t say what you want to say. And negotiation is useless unless you can actually express what it is you want.

Our fundamental freedoms are necessary and essential. They allow individuals as well as society to thrive: freedom of conscience and religion; freedom of thought, belief, opinion and expression, including freedom of the press and other media of communication; freedom of peaceful assembly; and freedom of association.

Over the past few decades, we’ve taken our fundamental freedoms for granted. And now we have governments — politicians and bureaucrats — using unnecessarily aggressive tactics to force policies on the people. It goes against everything that is quintessentially Canadian: we are a peaceful people who prefer to use our words rather than weapons to achieve our goals.

Canadians at heart are good, sensible, peace-loving people who stand up to bullies when needed and put things to right. As our national anthem says, “Oh Canada, we stand on guard for thee.”

———–

  1. I’m concerned that that high regard has been eroded in recent years and is continuing to be eroded — because of the aggressive tactics our governments, federal and provincial, are using against its own citizens and residents.
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This May Be Hard to Read – Part 2

In Part 1, I said I needed to hear an apology from those who now say they want unity* before I could accept they do want unity, not conformity. I also said I will only be able to hear their apology when they’ve accepted responsibility for what they’ve done. I mean that literally. I won’t be able to physically hear them clearly. And that’s without considering all the processing going on in my brain.

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Update on New Year’s Resolutions

Like all New Year’s Resolutions, mine have not been perfectly implemented from Day 1, although some have fared better than others.

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This May Be Hard to Read – Part 1

If you’ve ever been an abused partner, you’ll recognize what I’m talking about. If not, please listen with an open heart. If you’ve been the abuser, please listen.

It’s time for unity.

We all need to become ‘We, the people’ again.

Every time I hear that (or similar words), I freeze. My defense systems go on high alert. Code Red. Only for a few seconds, though, until I remember that I’m here in Canada, not in the US.

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How Can They Believe That?

Years ago, I was privileged to take a summer course that included a brief introduction to political psychology. We were asked how the Chinese Communist Party (“CCP”) were able to change over 541 million people’s minds to accept communism within a relatively short period of time. We, of course, said they used guns, prison and torture. Wrong. They used weekly study meetings. (1)

The key was to get a person to accept a small part of communist belief. (“Small part” meaning 2-3%.) Get a person to change their mind about that 2-3%, and they will do all the work to change their beliefs 180 degrees. That’s frightening. And why it’s stuck clearly in my mind all these years. But it’s not as simple as that.

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Fake News

We can’t have, like, willy-nilly proliferation of fake news. That’s crazy. You can’t have more types of fake news than real news. That’s allowing public deception to go unchecked. That’s crazy. Elon Musk (1)

A few years ago, I heard a university student’s presentation of their senior paper. I was taken aback to hear descriptions and statistics about how good life was in the former USSR.(2) I knew people whose relatives lived in the USSR at the relevant times, and their accounts of what life was like did not match the descriptions.(3) Afterwards, I asked where they got their information and was told from government publications. When I commented that Soviet government public statistics were not reliable, they countered that it was a government source and was in writing. I was stunned. Putting something in writing does not make it right.

The Soviet newspaper Pravda was known for printing what the government wanted to say, which was typically not the truth.(4) Pravda was fake news.

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Apologies That Don’t Work

Apologies are supposed to restore social relations. To repair the damage of an insult. To acknowledge that you’ve fallen short of what you promised. To acknowledge a wrong that you did or were part of, and start repairing the damage. Sometimes, they don’t work.

Apologies that don’t work fall into one of the following categories: inadequate, incomplete, insincere, insulting, and inveigling. Please note that these categories can overlap and an in-apology can fall into more than one category.

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The Relaxation Response

We are not at the mercy of the Stress Response. Our system is designed for balance, for homeostasis. The Stress Response is designed to help us deal with all the challenges we face. The Relaxation Response is designed to get us back into homeostatic balance. 

The counterbalance to the Stress Response is the Relaxation Response, a term coined by Herbert Benson.(1)  Dr. Benson describes the Relaxation Response as

an opposite, involuntary response that causes a reduction in the activity of the sympathetic nervous system ….(2)

The great news is that we can trigger the Relaxation Response; we don’t have to wait for time to take care of things or wait for it to kick in on its own. What can you do?

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GAS and Coping

The General Adaptation Syndrome

Dr. Hans H.B. Selye, MD did a lot of the ground-breaking studies of stress. Dr. Selye described a three-stage response to stress which he called the General Adaptation Syndrome, or GAS for short.(1) Its stages are: Alarm, Adaptation, and Exhaustion.

ALARM  —  This is the initial reaction to the stressor. Both the SAM System and the HPA Axis are activated so that the mind can focus on the stressor and the body move and do the work needed to deal with the stressor.

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The Stress Response

The Stress Response is that set of physiological processes engaged when we face a challenging stimulus — a stressor. The Stress Response is commonly known as the Fight-or-Flight Response.(1)

The stress hormones that are released energize your body to deal with the challenge. The stressor doesn’t have to be a sudden physical challenge, like facing a growling grizzly bear. It could be a project at work. (Many projects span months and even years.) Since it’s winter now, the stressor can be the cold or having to walk on icy sidewalks.

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Stress: Fight-Flight-Freeze

Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. (1)

Jane Wagner has a point. Stress. Hans Selye (2) described stress as “the wear and tear of everyday life”. It’s something we all know about. The tension. The worry. The added difficulty. More colds and flus. We’ve seen people go through highly stressful times and burn out. We’ve seen others weather the storms a bit better and although they don’t burn out, they are battered.

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Poly Vague – Huh?

Polyvagal. As in Polyvagal Theory. A ground-breaking theory that has many practical applications. First published in 1994 by Dr. Stephen Porges, the Polyvagal Theory has major implications for how people feel safe, for social behaviour, and for emotional regulation. (1) (2)

Dr. Porges delineated what he terms the social engagement system, a heart-face connection that coordinates the heart with the muscles of the face and head.(3) When we feel safe, we connect and communicate well with other people. If we don’t feel safe, we don’t connect or communicate well with other people.

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New Year’s Resolutions Anyone?

Light Painting at Night by Pixabay

Of all the thoughts swirling about in our heads at this time of year, the thought of making resolutions is enough to take the “Happy” out of “Happy New Year!”

Might I suggest we think about New Year’s Resolutions a little bit differently this year.

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Introduction to the Nervous System – Part 1

Our entire body is “wired”, so to speak. Every organ and muscle is connected to the brain. Our skin has many sensors that are connected to our brain. Our nervous system can be thought of as a communication system, with signals going from our brains to our bodies, and from our bodies to our brains.

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What Is Hostile Language?

Hostile language is the hallmark of FistFull Language™. It stands out. The words stand out. The tone of voice stands out. And the body language stands out.

Hostile language is highly personal. It’s you and I — or more accurately, you versus me. It’s a fight. There are positions to be attacked and defended. The only purpose of the middle ground is to wrestle with each other. Only one person can win, and that’s me.

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The Art of the Apology – Part 1

An apology is not about making yourself small or weak; it’s about restoring relationships. If you make yourself small or weak, this does not help the social group. If you restore the relationship, this helps the social group.

There are times when we do need to apologize. Sometimes, it’s a small thing that we’ve done. If we don’t apologize, it will be just a small irritant, like a small pinch. You might get away with one pinch, but many pinches hurt and become seriously annoying. That’s why it is good to apologize.

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The Art of the Apology – Part 2

The way you apologize depends on whether you caused the hurt or whether someone or something else caused the hurt.

There’s the direct apology: (1) Accept responsibility: “I’m sorry I upset you”, (2) Apologize: “when I ….” or “that I ….”, and (3) Ask“What can I do to fix this?”

And the reflective apology: (1) Empathize: “Oh. I’m sorry that you’re upset. (2) Express your Regret: (a) If you know what happened, add “that X happened to you.” or (b) If you don’t know, ask them what happened. After you understand what happened, say, “I’m sorry that happened to you.” and (3) Ask: “Is there anything I can do to help you?”

AAA: The Direct Apology

The AAA pattern gets right to the heart of the matter. The person attacking you is blaming you, trying to put the responsibility onto you. When you are responsible, Accept responsibility, Apologize, and Ask. For example, “I really blew it when I X’d. I’m sorry. What can I do to fix it?”

The words you use to apologize are important. Your words need to connect your feelings to your behaviour. Use “sorry” and “apologize.” Try not to use “regret” unless you say “profoundly regret” or “deeply regret.”

Observe your gut feeling as you read, “I regret my actions.” That sounds very formal. It feels like there’s distance between the speaker and the listener. Now observe your gut feeling as you read, “I’m sorry that I hurt you.” The distance is gone, although it recalls memories of being told as a child to “Say you’re sorry.” There’s something missing. It still sounds a bit like a formula. Now observe as you read, “I’m truly sorry that what I said hurt you.” It no longer feels like the formula we were all taught as a child.

And if you did not intend to hurt them, let them know that.

Even more important is your tone of voice. If you aren’t truly sorry, it will leak out in the tone of your voice. Your tone of voice will contradict your words, and you’ll come across as insincere. The other person will probably be insulted. Not what you’re trying to accomplish.

Make sure your words match how you feel. If you see that the other person hasn’t emotionally accepted your apology, wait a short while, reword your apology to match your feelings, and then apologize to them again.

When you apologize, do you feel vulnerable? We remember what it was like to be made to say “sorry,” how alone and vulnerable we felt. We don’t like that feeling. This is different. This is your choice. Your decision. Apologizing is the right thing to do.

Ask what you can do to fix the situation.  By asking what can be done, you are trying to work it out. Discuss what happened and negotiate how to resolve it.

ERA: The Reflective Apology

The ERA pattern is reflective of the other person. It is an empathic acknowledgment of the situation the other person finds themself in and how they feel. Part of the reason we get aggressive is to let other people know that we have been hurt. By acknowledging their hurt, you are helping them work through things.

Empathize with their situation. Imagine what it’s like for the other person. You can express your Regret about what’s happened to them, if only because bad things happen to you, too. Ask what you can do to help. 

For example, “How terrible. I know how mad I’d be if that had happened to me. I’m sorry that it happened to you. Is there anything I can do to help you?”

By asking if there is a way that you can fix the situation or help the other person fix the situation, you will not be perceived as trying to avoid the situation — or them. It is a productive way to resolve a situation, especially when you weren’t involved in the first place.

An ERA is not to be confused with a “non-apology”. An ERA is an apology; it reflects back to the person the regret they need to hear. It doesn’t make you responsible, although it does show that you empathize with them.

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